140 Funny Clean Inspirational Quotes

There is something about funny clean inspirational quotes that just makes you feel good. Maybe it’s the fact that they are funny, which lightens the mood, or maybe it’s the inspiring message that gives you hope.

Either way, these quotes are a great way to start your day and get you motivated. Humor is a great way to keep your spirits up and inspire you to stay clean and sober.

Here are 140 funny clean inspirational quotes

140 Funny Clean Inspirational Quotes

1. “It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.” – Fred Allen

2. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

3. “Money won’t make you happy, but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” – Zig Ziglar

4. “A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.” – Dolly Parton

5. “When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.” – Henny Youngman

6. “I know worrying works because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.” – Will Rogers

7. “Don’t mind your make-up, you’d better make your mind up.” – Frank Zappa

8. “Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.” – Winston Churchill

9. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

10. “People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.” – Will Rogers

11. “Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain

13. “When I hear someone sigh that life is hard, I am tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’” – Sydney Harris

14. “One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.” – Franklin P. Jones

15.  “Aspire to inspire before we expire.” — Eugene Bell Jr.

16. “When you’re out of willpower you call on stubbornness, that’s the trick.” – Henri Matisse

17. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – La Rochefoucauld

18. “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.” – Elvis Presley

19. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

20. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

21. “If you are afraid of being lonely, don’t try to be right.” – Jules Renard

22. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” — Zig Ziglar

23. “You might as well fall flat on your face as you lean over too far backward.” – James Thurber

24. “Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.” – Harry Emerson Fosdick

25. “The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent upon it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.” – Galileo Galilei

26. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want to be done because he wants to do it.” – Dwight Eisenhower

27. “A good time for laughing is when you can.” – Jessamyn West

28. “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.” – Chuck Reid

29. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love ‏

30. “There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through… There needs to be a monster truck option.” – Jeph Jacques

31. “Laughter is a weapon of mass construction.” – Kat Caverly

32. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club”. – Jack London

33. “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

34. “There is a dearth of mirth on the earth.” – Bill Nelson

35. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.” – Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

36. “Follow your dreams, except for the one where you’re naked in church.” – Rev. David Ault

37. “It’s good to shut up sometimes.” – Marcel Marceau

38. “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Sam Levenson

39. “It’s a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.” – Franklin P. Jones

40. “Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history and that man can never learn anything from history.” – George Bernard Shaw

41. “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.” – Marie Osmond

42. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

43. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” — Thomas Edison

44. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” — Terry Pratchett

45. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” – Franklin P. Jones

46. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen

47. “Life is like a box of chocolates.” – Forrest Gump

48. “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” – Tom Stoppard

49. “Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.” – Andy Rooney

50. “In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.” – Charles Schulz

51. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet access to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

52. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

53. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck

54. “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then, by all means, follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres

55. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, The Office

56. “See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly.” — George Harris

57. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” — Lt. Frank Drebin

58. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

59. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” — Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

60. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

61. “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings

62. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

63. “If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.” – Donald Trump

64. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

65. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” — Reba McEntire

66. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang

67. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.” – Mark Twain

68. “I have to be successful because I like expensive things.” — Lisa Lieberman-Wang

69. “Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine.” — Lord Byron

70. “I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life.” – Karan Patel

71. “Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you are gonna do anyway.” – Robert Downey Jr.

72. “Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” – Terry Pratchett

73. “The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

74. “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein

75. “I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.” – John Green

76. “Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.” — Vaclav Havel

77. “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.” – Ethel Barrymore

78. “A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open.” – Frank Zappa

79. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

80. “Aspire to inspire before we expire.” – Eugene Bell Jr

81. “I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.” – Edgar Allan Poe

82. “Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the things you can think of if only you try!” – Dr. Seuss

83. “Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” – Charles J. Sykes

84. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

85. “Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.” – Woody Allen

86. “Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you’re alive it isn’t.” – Richard Bach

87. “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

88. “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers

89. “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” – Robert Brault

90. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

91. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

92. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

93. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney

94. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

95. “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

96. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Bernard Baruch

97. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

98. “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

99. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

100. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

101. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

102. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

103. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

104. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

105. “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

106. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

107. “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

108. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne, “Winnie the Pooh”

109. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

110. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.” – James Thurber

111. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

112. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

113. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

114. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.” – Denis Waitley

115. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

116. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” — Kyle Chandler

117. “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.” – Enid Blyton

118. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

119. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

120. “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” – Jeffree Star

121. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. Try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” – Ron White

122. “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.” – Thomas Sowell

123. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

124. “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” – Voltaire

125. “I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” – Samuel Goldwyn

126. “When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best — that is inspiration.” — Robert Bresson

127. “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” – Solomon Schechter

128. “The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand

129. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.” — Joe Girard

130. “Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.” – Jason Love

131. “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do.” – Benjamin Franklin

132. “If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher

133. “An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” – Will Rogers

134. “To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

135. “Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.” – Dalai Lama

136. “A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” – Elbert Hubbard

137. “If you are not your own doctor, you are a fool.” – Hippocrates

138. “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?” — Captain Jack Sparrow

139. “The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.” – Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

140. “Taking an interest in what others are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise.” – Robert Martin